Need some magic drummed up NOW!

Getting ready for school, I was told in no uncertain terms that I had to pray today to get her class-team to win maximum points and get the weekly prize. Great initiative on part of the teacher to get the kids to behave well and learn about team work. But the boldness with which my prayers were expected to deliver with such a short notice (a few hours) left me wondering if we had been over indexing on the power of prayers to solve problems.

Action and prayers have such an uncanny connection. Couldn't tell her enough that no matter how much I prayed, it all depended on her and others' antics at school.

For the time being I am sure there is no back tracking on her faith in prayers. After all that's the first "tool" of choice when it comes to very important concerns in life such as not getting time-out for misbehaviour, time-extensions pleaded for while playing with favorite buddies, not being served food considered inedible such as tomatoes, chicken, fish etc, etc. The unsolvables have only one way to get solved. Pray for the solution!

So my only prayer is the power of "magic" that prayers hold for this new generation holds on forever. The only way that would happen is if their magic works over and over again. There I go, over-indexing on prayers again.

One day...many moods

Another day in the land of the lion. It’s me with my laptop, a cup of warm tea. I browse through myriad of emails to see if something meaningful can be done in the day to day humdrum. Have not slept very well so afternoon siesta is already on my mind at ten am.

A call from a friend puts me back in the mood to enjoy the day instead of letting it go by lazily. My sluggish mood has changed instantly.



Many things have changed and will continue to change, but I can see myriad of emotions shuffling in me today too. Can’t believe it ...cooking a meal for someone, has got pep back in life. Maybe it has to do with my Punjabi antecedents a.k.a. foodie affective instincts.


I am back in action and this is what I mean.


A job vacancy I needed to apply for, has been put in the back burner for two days. The reason was sheer negative self-talk. The application required me to submit a certain creative assignment. My opinions did not deviate much from their self serving lethargic motives;, ranging from “maybe I’m not creative enough – so forget it” to “today I don’t feel so creative – so let’s forget about it today”, and finally “if I work hard and yet if I am not selected, then it will disappoint me so much – so forget about it for good”.


As I find myself getting in the rhythm and upbeat cooking, the creativity creeps right back. As I wait for my dear friend who gets unexpectedly delayed, I find myself ready to take up the challenge of doing my assignment with gusto. Back in the game...here I am, wondering so what was I putting this task off for?!


As Thomas Edison says "I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work" , I shall keep going no matter how many times I may falter; having the knowledge that the stumbling points are barricades created by my own self-talk. End up feeling motivated and charged!

Mirror Mirror on the Prowl...

There is a mirror which creeps around where ever we are. Its a mirror known by another name. Our mind.

This Sunday I had an interesting conversation with my 6 year old about how "what we think" has an impact on how our life turns out to be. One of those parent-child philosophical moments.

The "wordy" message to her was triggered by her own self-doubt. She saw her friend who was relatively new to his swimming lessons showing absolutely no fear of water. And she questioned why she herself was taking so long to get over hers. I am not the type to just say that "its all in the mind". And I'd admit that I have tried everything in my arsenal to help her start loving the deep side of the pool, but I am still waiting for  results.

So this time I chose to use the opportunity to explain her the philosophy of thoughts leading to words, words leading to actions, repeated actions leading to habits, and habits defining our lives. Much to my amazement she heard me with full attention.

Seeing her soak in every word of what I had just said, I realised that now I had the onus to walk the talk.

For indeed I know that our thoughts have a profound impact on the way our lives turn out to be. In fact not just our inner thoughts but our feelings and desires have a collective impact on our outer lives in very concrete ways. I have seen its impact on my family, on my own health and in my work life.

At work, dealing with the troublesome colleague through one's own change of perception can often lead to startling results. It may be a big exercise in empathy or compassion or maybe even nonchalance, but the end result is usually a better relationship but definitely a better "you". Try it. It usually works.

One thing where it surely works is in the arena of health. Here minding our mind works like magic. In fact proponents of Reiki say that various ailments of the body reflect various ailments of the mind. Example people who have heart or chest problems are likely to be dealing with issues of love and relationships, those with throat problems likely to be dealing with issues of expressing themselves, etc as per Reiki.  But I am not saying because I believe in reiki, but because I have seen the results in my life too.

If the root cause of bodily ailments is the stress that its unable to handle, then the cure is really to de-stress. Just shifting our attention to our breath, like in abdominal breathing in Yoga, helps shift the focus of our mind. An amazingly wonderful way to stop the noisy, clutter of our own thoughts, leading to an almost magical impact on our health. Some of the bigger issues always have such simple answers - don't they!

As for our families, especially our children, they are the quickest to reflect what the mirror of our mind shows to them even when we are oblivious of it ourselves. We as adults are capable of filtering out what does not resonate with us. We use defense mechanisms or other ways of insulating us or even not showing our "true feelings". But with children its different. They remain incapable of this filtering. So they sense our feelings and thoughts, absorb them without being able to filter and project them without again being able to filter. And we see an amplified version of the going-ons of our mind. I know the day I am irritated, I am likely to see a tantrum, if I am worried I am likely to see more bruises, if I am emotionally exhausted I am likely to be in an argument with my kid.

But the day I give my kid full marks for her behaviour, for its been a day of few tantrums and delays, and more of giggles and nice conversations I know the real reason. Its the 'conversation behind the conversation' that needs "full marks". Yesterday turned out to be one such day - as I decided to be mindful of walking the talk.

As far as my preaching to my daughter goes I'm not sure if that will have an impact on her 'love for water', but she is already very mindful of the words she uses. Now all I have to deal with are questions such as - when she is irritated would it be better for her to use "Oh Rats!" instead of "Oh Bother!". Me and my big mouth!! Oops I better mind my words too!

Almost perfect...but not quite!

So what is perfectionism? Some say that perfectionism and procrastination are two faces of the same coin. When people aim for perfection they end up procrastinating things so much so that there comes a time when they need to work against time. And they eventually end up delivering a sub-standard output. Perfectionism is definitely counter productive. A recent article in the newspaper brought this point out. However it got me thinking.

I agree that it's perfectly right to say perfectionism is not a desired trait. Pursuit of perfectionism can lead at worst to inflicting oneself with variety of neurotic disorders. However, how does one draw a distinction between perfectionism and excellence. While pursuit of one is not desirable at all, the other is most sought after. And rightly so. After all, successful and happy people are people who pursue and deliver excellence.

So what is the distinction?

Well for one, someone who pursues 'perfection' has 'zero' tolerance for mistakes. S/he follows the path where mistakes are seen to have no value or rather a negative one. It is a harsh, rigid path. And they forget the most important point - best quoted by the saying 'Have no fear of perfection... you'll never reach it'.

And as we all know it, 'no mistakes' - is equivalent to sounding the death knell for creativity!

On the contrary, to follow the path of excellence is the path of achieving high standards by fully exploiting one's own potential. Of recognising that we have many strengths which when tapped fully, will help us achieve whatever we desire.

Further, the pursuit of excellence will be incomplete if we failed to recognise that others too have the same unlimited potential. It would be incomplete if we did nothing to cherish those aspects and help them manifest them in the best possible way.

In the work place it boils down to looking at developing people in their 'islands of competence', recognising people's strengths and providing them opportunities to hone them even further. In the arena of parenting it means that we steer clear of setting the bar too high for our children, at the same time ensuring that we applaud them for every success, nurturing those to build their 'islands of competence'.

That's the way we as parents can live our role of 'building our children up, rather than chipping them down'; And would it be a mistake to say that the same principle applies to the professional world too or to any other world where we play the role of a leader?

So watch out for that perfectionist streak and save a lot of heartburn; but never ever give up on pursuing excellence!

Step forward - anyone?

Yesterday after many months (many more than I'd like to admit)- I went to a gurudwara. The desire was there for long but action to fulfill the desire was missing. Going there with my six year old, whose visits are even more sporadic than mine, I wanted to explain to her all about sewa in other word altruism, one of the many things that Sikhism values. But what got me thinking was the idea that how many of us actually exhibit pro-social behavior when some one is in real need.

Recently the Ngee Ann Polytechnic students staged a "near abuse" social experiment where a couple (student volunteers) started a quarrel in the busy Orchard street, which got violent. The idea was to see how many chivalrous folks were out there somewhere who'd step in to protect the woman from being physically hurt. The sad part was that only 3 stepped in to intervene and that too only men. Of course one could blame the "Bystander effect", which in experiments done by prominent social psychologists - Darley and Latane, indicated that fewer people are likely to help in the presence of more bystanders.

But the point is - how can we esure that we do not lose an important part of humanity - altruism?

There are five components of altruistic personality that I'd read in social psychology...

First one is that of empathy - or being able to put oneself in others shoes. The ability to empathise is strongly related to having a secure attachment oneself. 

Second one is belief that the world is a "just" place - basically bad behaviour will get punished and good behavior will be rewarded.

Third is an internal locus of control - not being at the mercy of changing circumstances, luck, destiny etc.

Fourth is being low on ego centricism - not so self absorbed and competitive.

And lastly but an obvious one is the belief that "helping" is good - we should all do our best to help others.

I am so glad that my parents ensured that I'd go for kar sewa in our local gurudwara. I had no idea that by distributing the parshadas, washing dishes, placing shoes or giving out tokens - mostly fun at that age - I was learning such an important aspect of life. And its mostly when things are fun can we truely truely imbibe them - isnt it!

Towards building a more altruistic generation I still have a dilemna of how can I instill the lovely values in my child and yet ensure she is comfortable in the ever-so-competitive world! Truely a parents conundrum!

What can CNY do to me...

With the Chinese New Year down the corner, I did not realise that I'd be delving into it so much as I am doing now. You see the concept is new to me having stayed in India - the only one country I knew in detail before I moved to Singapore.

My knowledge of the Chinese year is limited. All I know is that I am born in the year of Tiger, my daughter in the year of monkey (she has many traits of one) and my husband a pig (now, now, lets not get to those traits...). I had no idea about the depth of traditions, the scale of preparations and the excitement that goes around CNY. Now I am living in the midst of one to get a real feel.

In the last one week, I have discovered some wonderful, some bizzare and some very macro repurcussions associated with the CNY. But most of all what I appreciate are the many similarities between the Chinese and the Indian cultures.

Firstly, its still a question being asked by many like me - when is Chinese New Year? And the reason for that is that it is never a fixed date and is ever changing, much like the Indian festival dates. This year the CNY falls on the 3rd Feb, marking the onset of the spring season like always. The crazy thing is that with the kind of downpour Singapore is experiencing it hardly could be anything but the midst of a monsoon season.

Secondly, much like the Diwali, CNY is also all about family. And its a tradition that every family gives its house spring cleaning. Cleaning sweeps away all the bad luck they say, and makes way for good fortune to flow in freely. Red is the color of the season - decorations, paintings, lanterns all adorn the private and public areas in bright red to ward off evil. Sounds familiar!!

2011 is the year of rabbit and is considered be very lucky, standing for new beginnings and arrivals. But the moot point here is that the Rabbit child is considered lucky (unlike a Tiger child) and the new year could have many couples extending their broods and there by addressing one of the top concerns of Singapore ie the falling birth rate. A total fertility rate of more than 2 is required to relace the population but for Singapore it has been declining and the latest no is at 1.23.

The Chinese New Year celebrations begin half a month prior to the actual new year and extend half a month beyond the new year. And a lot of money is exchanged in the economy and the beauty industry sees a fabulous spike too. Of the bizzare repurcussions of the CNY is the fact that if you need to do anything as mundane as visit a beauty salon, its advised that you book an appointment weeks if not a month in advance. Saloons are over-booked and if you are a new comer like me - you'd have to resort to desperate DIY methods to look presentable while the rest of them shine, all preened.

Have a happy new year all!

A letter to life

Isn't it something that we all mothers struggle to ensure - trying to balance our prayers to protect our children at the same time toughen them to face the innumerable challenges that they are bound to face in this life time. This is how a mother writes a letter to life, asking her to teach her children her ways. (An article I read...)

Dear Life,

On behalf of all the mothers, dear Life, I ask you to take our children gently to the shores that we all must reach. Let the waves not toss them about and the rocks not stop their progress. Teach them all that they must learn, but let these lessons come through kind words and nurturing experiences.

Teach them that you, dear Life, can be tough teacher but that there is a purpose to your power, and the secret lies in unveiling that purpose, so that the beauty of your face can be seen. Teach that the human race is seemless and that there lies no boundaries and distinctions between man and a man. Teach my daughter that each time she places that sacred thread on her brother's wrist, she takes into her embrace all humanity. Teach my son that as he promises love and protection to my sister, he does so to all women. Teach them that dignity and honor are not the bastions of men alone, but the rights that you bestow upon all humanity.

Teach our children to look into the eyes of others so that they respond to truth of the soul, rather than react to the falsehood of appearance. Shower them with your cornucopia of gifts so that they learn that joys can be multipled only by dividing them amongst all. When the harsh winds blow, teach them to sway in their divine power, so that they become yielding like the elm, while standing strong like the oak.

As the world throws up challenges for our children, dear Life, we feel our hearts being clutched by icy hands. Though you cannot keep the storms away, you can always teach them how to find shelter within themselves, so that they learn that the surest way to battle a storm is to wait it out within the silence of the heart. Do not let them suffer the mistakes we have made, and allow not our selfishness to become their burdens.

Teach them to respect and honour earth mother upon whose breast we suckle every day. Give them ears to hear her cries and the hands to wipe her tears. Teach them self pride is not self absorption, and selflessness far from self denial.

When they err and fall upon their chose paths, lift them up tenderly, oh Life, so that they learn there is no shame in failure, and a successful man is one who lends his wings for others to take flight. Teach them to value the tributes of humanity more than gold and silver trophies, so that praise is not selfishly hoarded and criticisms not freely given away.

All of this you must do, dear teacher, so that when they reach those distant shores the bells peal to welcome home the returning hero".